Years Later

Several years have passed since we last held Abbie in our arms. Our love for her has not diminished. We still think about her. Our home is littered with pictures of her. Recently I came across her blanket. It still smelled of her and I took a moment to inhale her scent. We no longer receive any updates on Abbie. She is now with her birth mother and she prefers not to allow us any updates. This does not keep us from praying for her. We pray that she grows up healthy and strong and that one day she comes to know Jesus.

Visit With Abbie (Aug. 2005)

We decided to see Abbie. The foster family came through on the 9th and we met up in a central location. The moment I saw her I began to shake and cry!! There was my little girl!! Only not so little anymore. My biggest fear was that she wouldn't let me hold her. The foster mom asked if I wanted to hold her and fear rushed through me as I held out my arms to her. There was no need to fear....she came right to me!! Not once did she try to leave my arms. She was happy and bubbly. She laughed and played with us. On her own, she gave me a big hug. When Sean was close to her, she grabbed him and gave him baby kisses!

I am so thankful for the time we were able to spend with her. It does my heart good to see that she is well cared for. She is very happy and well adjusted. I look forward to seeing her again. Though it was difficult to say goodbye, I wouldn't have traded those moments, that little taste of heaven, for anything in the world.

Six Months Old!

I can't believe my Abbie is now 6 months old!! She is sooooo big! She weighs 21 lbs!!!! The foster mom asked me if I wanted to see Abbie. They will be coming through this way on Aug. 8th. I don't know what to do. My heart begs to see her! But can I handle her not knowing me? When I put my arms out to her and she turns away, can my heart handle that? Will it break? I just don't know! God, please show me what to do!

Time Heals All Wounds

Time heals all wounds. Does it? Really? Not a day goes by that I don't think of Abbie. Not a day goes by that a tear doesn't slip down my cheek. I know in my head that the pain will lesson. It is my heart that is unsure. I wish that I could press a fast forward button and skip the next 10 years. Maybe then the pain will have lessened some. Some days the pain is so fresh, it feels as though we lost her just yesterday. I wish that I could bottle up my tears. Then one day, she would know just how much I love her.

My Abbie will be 7 months old on Monday. She is now sitting up and trying to crawl. She has now been gone for half of her life. I still think that I hear her crying. I walk past the baby section thinking that she needs diapers. It is no longer my place to care for her needs. That is not entirely true. What greater thing can I do than pray for her? If you read this one day, my precious baby girl, know that your "mommy" prayed for you. My heart cries out to God on your behalf. One day we will see you again. If you have not been introduced to Jesus, then your "daddy" and I will tell you all about Him. He loves you. He is watching out for you. Until then, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Growing Fast

I heard from the foster mom today. Abbie has gotten her second tooth. She is not even 5 months yet. She is laughing and rolling over. It is so difficult having her grow up without me. I hate missing all of this. I am thankful that I can at least get an update every so often. Hearing about her is like a drug to me. It hurts me to hear about her, but I can't stay away. I have to know!

Yesterday, my 2 year old niece asked me where Abbie was. I tried to explain the best I could. She told me that she missed Abbie and that she was leaving us to go live with Abbie. She names all of her dolls Abbie. She carries Abbie's picture around and kisses her and talks to her.

Why, God? Why? I wish that I knew why Abbie had to leave. I love her so much!! Please God, hug Abbie for me. Send an angel to give her kisses from me. Protect her. Guide her. Keep her in your arms , Jesus. Wrap her up tight. Love her. That is my prayer.

Mother's Day

I had such dreams for today. Abbie and I would wear matching dresses to church. I would, for the first time ever, stand up in church to receive my recognition as a mother. We would go out to eat and people would look at our family and ooh and aah over my beautiful baby girl. Instead, I slept in and vegged in front of the TV during church time. I just couldn't face the looks of pity when others saw my tears. Or mothers' smiling faces, glowing from motherhood. I plan on staying home the entire day. Yes, I am hiding. But today, hiding is all that I can handle. Tomorrow, I will face the world. Now I am going to find a good book to curl up with and act as if there is no pain in my heart.

2 Weeks

It has now been 2 weeks since Abbie has left us. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was the first time I had to go to church without her and Sean. I am glad that I got it over with. As soon as I saw the church I began to cry and shake. I have many memories of her there. It is so hard to walk in alone: no car seat, no diaper bag, no Abbie. I hate to even walk past the nursery.

Mother's Day is next Sunday. I am dreading it. Part of me wants to go see Abbie, but I realize that I will have to relive the pain all over again. I don't think that I could handle that. This was the first year that I was looking forward to Mother's Day. I imagined dressing Abbie up and taking her to the mother/daughter banquet. Now it is an even more painful reminder of my empty womb and empty arms. I just pray that this week passes quickly.