Years Later

Several years have passed since we last held Abbie in our arms. Our love for her has not diminished. We still think about her. Our home is littered with pictures of her. Recently I came across her blanket. It still smelled of her and I took a moment to inhale her scent. We no longer receive any updates on Abbie. She is now with her birth mother and she prefers not to allow us any updates. This does not keep us from praying for her. We pray that she grows up healthy and strong and that one day she comes to know Jesus.

Visit With Abbie (Aug. 2005)

We decided to see Abbie. The foster family came through on the 9th and we met up in a central location. The moment I saw her I began to shake and cry!! There was my little girl!! Only not so little anymore. My biggest fear was that she wouldn't let me hold her. The foster mom asked if I wanted to hold her and fear rushed through me as I held out my arms to her. There was no need to fear....she came right to me!! Not once did she try to leave my arms. She was happy and bubbly. She laughed and played with us. On her own, she gave me a big hug. When Sean was close to her, she grabbed him and gave him baby kisses!

I am so thankful for the time we were able to spend with her. It does my heart good to see that she is well cared for. She is very happy and well adjusted. I look forward to seeing her again. Though it was difficult to say goodbye, I wouldn't have traded those moments, that little taste of heaven, for anything in the world.

Six Months Old!

I can't believe my Abbie is now 6 months old!! She is sooooo big! She weighs 21 lbs!!!! The foster mom asked me if I wanted to see Abbie. They will be coming through this way on Aug. 8th. I don't know what to do. My heart begs to see her! But can I handle her not knowing me? When I put my arms out to her and she turns away, can my heart handle that? Will it break? I just don't know! God, please show me what to do!

Time Heals All Wounds

Time heals all wounds. Does it? Really? Not a day goes by that I don't think of Abbie. Not a day goes by that a tear doesn't slip down my cheek. I know in my head that the pain will lesson. It is my heart that is unsure. I wish that I could press a fast forward button and skip the next 10 years. Maybe then the pain will have lessened some. Some days the pain is so fresh, it feels as though we lost her just yesterday. I wish that I could bottle up my tears. Then one day, she would know just how much I love her.

My Abbie will be 7 months old on Monday. She is now sitting up and trying to crawl. She has now been gone for half of her life. I still think that I hear her crying. I walk past the baby section thinking that she needs diapers. It is no longer my place to care for her needs. That is not entirely true. What greater thing can I do than pray for her? If you read this one day, my precious baby girl, know that your "mommy" prayed for you. My heart cries out to God on your behalf. One day we will see you again. If you have not been introduced to Jesus, then your "daddy" and I will tell you all about Him. He loves you. He is watching out for you. Until then, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Growing Fast

I heard from the foster mom today. Abbie has gotten her second tooth. She is not even 5 months yet. She is laughing and rolling over. It is so difficult having her grow up without me. I hate missing all of this. I am thankful that I can at least get an update every so often. Hearing about her is like a drug to me. It hurts me to hear about her, but I can't stay away. I have to know!

Yesterday, my 2 year old niece asked me where Abbie was. I tried to explain the best I could. She told me that she missed Abbie and that she was leaving us to go live with Abbie. She names all of her dolls Abbie. She carries Abbie's picture around and kisses her and talks to her.

Why, God? Why? I wish that I knew why Abbie had to leave. I love her so much!! Please God, hug Abbie for me. Send an angel to give her kisses from me. Protect her. Guide her. Keep her in your arms , Jesus. Wrap her up tight. Love her. That is my prayer.

Mother's Day

I had such dreams for today. Abbie and I would wear matching dresses to church. I would, for the first time ever, stand up in church to receive my recognition as a mother. We would go out to eat and people would look at our family and ooh and aah over my beautiful baby girl. Instead, I slept in and vegged in front of the TV during church time. I just couldn't face the looks of pity when others saw my tears. Or mothers' smiling faces, glowing from motherhood. I plan on staying home the entire day. Yes, I am hiding. But today, hiding is all that I can handle. Tomorrow, I will face the world. Now I am going to find a good book to curl up with and act as if there is no pain in my heart.

2 Weeks

It has now been 2 weeks since Abbie has left us. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was the first time I had to go to church without her and Sean. I am glad that I got it over with. As soon as I saw the church I began to cry and shake. I have many memories of her there. It is so hard to walk in alone: no car seat, no diaper bag, no Abbie. I hate to even walk past the nursery.

Mother's Day is next Sunday. I am dreading it. Part of me wants to go see Abbie, but I realize that I will have to relive the pain all over again. I don't think that I could handle that. This was the first year that I was looking forward to Mother's Day. I imagined dressing Abbie up and taking her to the mother/daughter banquet. Now it is an even more painful reminder of my empty womb and empty arms. I just pray that this week passes quickly.

Pictures

The foster mom sent us some pictures yesterday. I wept as I looked at my precious Abbie. She rolled over for the first time, and I missed it. It breaks my heart not to see her do new things.

The other day I heard a baby cry on TV. Without thinking, I set down what I was doing to go and take care of Abbie. Then it hit: she was gone. It amazes me how someone so small can take over your entire life in just 3 short months. She wasn't just part of my life, she was my life. Everything revolved around her. Now it feels as though part of me is missing.

Missing Her

Well, Abbie is in her new home. I can't believe that she is really gone. The meeting with the foster family was bittersweet. The father prayed for us. He wept as he prayed that we would be reunited with our baby girl. It did our heart good to know that they want us to get her back. We are praying that God will allow us to be a family again.

The foster mom wants to send us pictures. She emailed me tonight to let me know that Abbie was fine. Part of me hated that Abbie did't miss me, but another part of me was glad that she is fine. We can also see her anytime we want. I am not sure if I could handle that, but it is nice to know that we have that option.

I miss her terribly, but I am glad that it is over with. Healing can now begin. I will be planting her rosebush this week. Oh! How I miss our sweet baby girl. My arms ache to hold her. I keep listening for her, then it hits me anew that she is gone. I have her sponge that I would bathe her with. It smells like her- lavender. I miss her scent. I miss everything about her. Please God, reunite our family.

THE END

I feel like I am on death row. My nerves are shot. I feel as though I could vomit. How do you survive something like this? To us, this is the death of our firstborn child. I have heard of women losing a baby to sids or other illnesses. I never truly understood how much pain it entailed. Of course, I realized that they hurt, but I never fully comprehended the depth of that pain.

As much as I hate to lose Abbie, I am ready for this to be over with. I want healing to begin. Though healing is a long way off. It has finally hit Sean. I have never seen him weep the way he has today. He loves his baby girl. I hurt for him. We hurt for each other. It kills us that if we see her again, she won't recognize us. She may never know the depth of our love. I pray that one day we can tell her. Until then, Lord, please love our little Abbie. Wrap Your arms around her.

Time is Running Out

Today I will be cutting a lock of Abbie's hair as a keepsake. I will also be getting her little footprints and hand prints. I am trying to think of everything I want to do before she goes. I stare at her often, trying to memorize her face, her eyes, her smile. I am so scared that I will forget how she looks, how she smells, and how she sounds. I kiss her hundreds of times a day. One kiss for every day that we will be apart for the next 18 years. I am trying to fit a lifetime of love into 3 short months.

Every time the phone rings, I am hoping that it is a call saying that we can keep her. I am praying for a miracle. How is it that we can love another human being so completely? I don't think we realize just how much we love someone until we are faced with losing them.

Dear God, help to survive losing my baby. I need your strength and support if I am to survive this. Help me to grow through this experience. Help me not to hate or become bitter. Help the tears to dry up. Bring Sean and I through this valley. Thank You for letting us love Abbie, even if only for a short time. Protect her and guide her. Amen.

Packing

I have been packing up Abbie's room today. I came accross her hospital bracelet. I thought I would never stop crying. I remember the day we brought her home. It was so unbelievable that she was really here. Now it is unbelievable that she will really be gone. In 3 short months she has taken over our lives and our hearts. I know that it will be difficult adjusting to being couple again and not a family.

Counting Down

Our time with Abbie is getting shorter by the second. I can't believe the anger that I am feeling right now. This past Sat. we found out that the foster family backed out. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I thought maybe God was going to answer our prayers. Then today we got a call about another family. She wants her on Saturday.

I feel like a yo-yo. I know that God is a God of love, but I do not feel very loved right now. I want to throw something or hit someone. I know anger is a part of grief, but I didn't realize how bad it would be.

I can't help but think: Only 4 more baths, only 4 more nights in her bed,and so forth. Every minute means so much. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. As much as I hate to lose her, I will be glad when it is over. Maybe then the healing process can begin.

Date Change

The original family changed their mind and will not take Abbie. They, like us, cannot imagine having Abbie for up to seven years only to let her go. Another family has agreed to take her. We have decided to let Abbie go on Saturday, April 16th. We need to get it over with. The longer we have her, the more I want to keep her. The birth mom is still firm in her decision to keep Abbie. I am praying that one day we will be able to find Abbie and show her how much she is loved.

In my heart, she will always be our firstborn. I couldn't love a biological child more than I love Abbie. I am planting a rosebush in memory of her. Everytime I see it, I can pray for her. I have also decided to pray for her birth mom. I am asking God to make her the best mom that she can be. Abbie deserves the best.

I am determined to enjoy the time that we have left. I am saving the tears for later. At least, that is what I am trying to do.

Abbie's Foster Mom

I spoke to the lady that will be Abbie's foster mom. She was very nice. She and her husband are in their 40's and have 2 teenagers. I cried the whole time! I just don't know if I will be able to go through with this. We are planning on taking Abbie to her on Mother's Day. MD is already a difficult day for me, so I might as well do this then. I am trying to prepare myself for this, but it is going to be much harder than anything I could ever imagine.

Abbie's New Home

Last night I spoke to the Mennonite lady that will be finding Abbie a home. I wanted to hate her, but she was very kind. She said that they wouldn't take Abbie unless we agreed. Also, I can call to see how Abbie is doing and if she ever is available for adoption, they will call me immediately. Losing her will still tear my heart out, but I feel a lot better now.

We are still praying for a miracle. We hope to one day get her back. In the meantime, we are praying that she will be loved and well cared for. We have her for another week or so. We can keep her as long as we like. We realize that the longer we put it off, the harder it will be to let her go. Until then, we are loving her, kissing her, holding her, and praying for her.

March 30, 2005

Abbie will be leaving us soon. She will be living with a Menonite family near the prison. I am awaiting a call from a lady in charge of placements. She called the other day, but I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone.

I never know a person could hurt this badly or cry this much. I can't sleep or eat. I just cry. Abbie senses our tension and is fussy. I am taking tons of pictures and some home movies. I hope to find her one day when she is older. I can show her all that I have. It pains me that she won't ever know how much we love her. But I am glad that she is too young to know what is going on. I would hate for her to be hurt by all of this.

I feel like my heart will burst. I am losing my baby!!! I won't get to see her first steps, or hear her first words. I will never kiss her boo-boos or feel her little arms around my neck. I won't get to teach her to pray or the words to "Jesus Loves Me". Can anything be worse than this? I continually cry out to God to change the birth mom's heart.

Difficult Decisions

March 2005

The birth mom is adamant about retaining custody of Abbie. We have called our lawyer to see if we can fight her for custody. We can, but our chances don't look very good. It could be a long, drawn out court battle. We don't want to put Abbie or ourselves through that. It wouldn't be fair to put her in the middle of a legal battle. We have decided to let her go.

February 2005

Abbie is growing and changing so much. I love her more each day. Sean is completely smitten with her. She has him wrapped tightly around her little pinky. Correspondence with the birth mom intrudes upon our bliss. She is determined to keep Abbie. We know that we have to make a decision: fight to make Abbie ours or let her go. I know that losing Abbie now will devastate me, but losing her in a few years may kill me.

Abbie's Birth

originally written in 2005

January 11th.

Today Abbie was born!!!! My hand shook as wrote down her stats. I couldn't wait to see her. It hurt that she wasn't "mine" and I didn't get to name her, but I was excited nonetheless. We were still hopeful that the birth mom would change her mind.

January 13th.

I remember my first look at Abbie. She was beautiful!!! If there was such a thing as a Build-A-Baby store and I could have hand picked what my baby would look like, Abbie was it. She had a head full of dark hair and big blue eyes. She had the most expressive face. She was a tiny little thing. I held her to me and inhaled her baby scent. I kissed her little toes and fingers. I marveled at how delicate she was. I begged God to let us have her. I couldn't love a biological child any more than I love Abbie.

The Journey Begins

originally written July 2005

I remember the day that the dr told us that we may never have children of our own. It was one of the darkest days of my life. There is such a misconception about infertility. Most people think that it is sad, but not that big of a deal. It is not like a disease or something that will hurt you physically. The truth is that there are only 2 things worse than infertility: death of a loved one and a debilitating/terminal illness of yourself or a loved one. Every part of my being begs to be a mother.

We began to pray about adoption or pursuing fertility treatments. The problem with both of these is cost. Either option could easily cost $20,000. We were unsure of which route to take, so we just waited. In Dec of '03 we got a call from a friend of ours about adopting a baby from a woman in his church. By doing this as a private adoption, the cost would only be about $5,000. We decided to go for it. The birth mom was planning to abort the baby. After she heard about us, she decided to let us adopt. In march, 5 days before I was to go with her to the dr's for an ultrasound, the birth mom backed out. I was crushed. She said that she needed more time. We anxiously waited the next 5 months, praying that we would hear from her. We learned later that she went through an agency instead. We were crushed.

In October, I told a friend of mine that I would NEVER try adoption again. The next day we got the call about Abbie. The bmom was in prison, probably for another 6 years. Originally, the bmom asked us to care for Abbie (due to be born in Jan) until she was released. I told her that I needed a week to pray about it. She called later that day to say that she was considering letting us adopt Abbie. A few weeks later she told us to begin adoption precedings. We were beside oursleves! A few weeks before she gave birth, she changed her mind about letting us adopt, but asked if we would still keep her until she got out. I don't know if it was wrong of us to do so, but we said that we would. This is where our journey of loving and losing Abbie begins.